Sometimes you just need to cry....

What is it about driving while on a vacation and seeing plates from your state and thinking...OH, someone from Nevada, yay! I don't know if everyone does this or if it is just me. I have always been wierd this way. Even as a little girl I would see where people were from by thier licence plates while driving. Living in Nevada for two parts of my life...birth to age 12 and then twice with Sean...you get to see a lot of different plates. Especially living in Las Vegas. There are tons of different plates here to see. While we were in California this past week, in Roseville, I swear we were the only ones from out of state. I didn't hardly see anyone, in town, that was NOT a California plate. I did, however, see a plate that I want when we move there. :) Since it is close to Reno, we did see a few plates that were Nevada, but they were most likely from Reno, not Las Vegas.

It was a long drive there. 9 and 1/2 hours to get there. Not bad. We left later than I had planned, but that was because my planning was off and I had depended upon my 16 year old to help out, and all he did was sleep. I went to Enrichment Night for the birthday dinner and really enjoyed myself. I stayed late and talked to Jamie Burt and then took Sam over to Amee Ivies house for her to watch and stayed late there as well. Only to come home to all things left the same way they were when I had left. Silly me to think that I could trust Austin. Needless to say, I stayed up late trying to finish my things, and cleaning. I have this thing about leaving a dirty house. I was really upset when I remembered that I forgot to start the dishwasher before we left. That meant I had to remember when I got home...which didn't happen until Sunday and we got home on Friday. :)

Jakob had plans to go to the beach. So that is the first thing we did on Saturday. We drove to Pacifica and went to a beach there. It was cold. There was a storm coming and the waves were huge. Jackson was terrified of them. He clung to Sean and screamed the entire walk to the beach. We weren't sure if he thought he was going to be sucked under the water or that someone was going to throw him in. He finally calmed down and even eventually walked on the beach. Austin went in and got wet in the freezing water. Jake and Alec looked for shells on the beach and any other treasure they could find. We didn't stay long, the wind was bad and I was afraid Jakob would get asthma. We ate lunch in a parking lot nearby...we had no idea where else to go since it wasn't practical to eat at the beach. We looked at the site of San Fransisco from our car, and let me tell you I wasn't impressed. Hopefully we will get to explore more when we move there. It was really interesting to say the least. I wanted to go to Alcatraz, but that will have to be for a later time. We didn't have money for the toll booths, so that will be interesting when we get those bills in the mail. With our luck, it will have fee's attached to them. :)

For the most of the time, we drove around and looked and marveled at the beauty of it there. I really think it is most comparable to St. George. It has a ton of grass, and trees and even a few palm trees here and there. It was also so quiet. We rarely saw any police cars, never heard sirens or planes and only the occasional helicopter...for traffic purposes I am sure. We found a park near the apartment and went there almost every day. It was nice, not too warm but not horribly cold either. All in all, I think we are going to like living there.

It was really hard to leave Sean. I have to say that I thought it wasn't going to be this tough. I am having the hardest time with it though. I am really depressed. He was crying when we parted, and then I started to cry too. I don't cry, I am not a crier, I really don't like to cry. I hate the headache that goes with it. I didn't cry long, and I think that affected me. I think I need to cry it out! I am having a hard time with Austin and his lying and disrespect towards me. Alec still crys or complains about everything. Jakob is a bit lost without Dad, and without me being fully functional lately. Jackson is giving me a run for my money. That boy is so difficult. He has really been acting out lately. I am sure all of this is me. I have been out of control of a lot of things. Like my weight. I have put on every pound but 7 that I lost. I was up to 40 pounds lost. It is all back and I have nothing to wear, nothing. I am depressed and think that if I don't start doing something, I am going to have to go to the doctor and be put on some medication. I am going to try and cry myself to sleep tonight. I am going to start a detox program and get myself out of my sugar addiction. I am going to start exercising, even if it is only for 20 minutes a day, it will be something. I have to do something because I feel like I am drowning.

I will end here. I am going to be praying a lot to see if the decision for me to stay here in Vegas is the right one. I don't know if I can deal with Austin alone. He just walks all over me. It hurts me so bad to know that he doesn't even care. I really wish I could re-think this whole parent thing. I am not so sure I would do it if I could go back and change it. I love my boys with all my heart, but a broken heart isn't very easy to deal with. I really thought I had taught them better values. I think I am failing.